Beautiful Heartbreak

Hilary Weeks recently released her newest album with a song called Beautiful Heartbreak. The video, without fail, has brought tears to my eyes all of the times I've watched it for several reasons. I was one of those girls who had a plan. My whole life was mapped out. I knew what, when, where, how, and why I wanted, or so I thought. Certainly I haven't experienced the loss or the heartbreak of the women in the video, but I have experienced my own broken road and the pieces I had to put together because of it. Nothing about my life in the last 10 years has gone much according to plan. Mostly that has become okay; I have learned the wisdom, seen how all of those small mountains I had to overcome all combined to make this tapestry that is my life. There is some heartbreak, though, that I still don't know how to overcome. There is some heartbreak, some disappointments, some losses that are always there to remind us that we need to depend on our Father in Heaven. And that is, perhaps, my biggest heartbreak of all right now.

When I lived in Utah, when I moved home, whenever I struggled, that relationship with my Heavenly Father was strong. I knew, no matter how lonely I felt, that I had my earthly and heavenly family to support me. Lately, though, that knowledge has been tested. That loneliness has been overwhelming. Heartbreak, while you're in it, is not usually anything close to beautiful... It usually takes a great deal of perspective and hindsight to realize the beauty in where you've come and how you got there. And that's where the tears come for me every time I've tortured myself with this song. The chorus, which says, "...The grace that I feel and the face that I find through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights..." There have been lots of moments lately when I've needed that grace more than I have in a long time, and I'm not entirely sure how to find it, how to feel it anymore. I need it for myself, for my family, friends, and clients. I need it to get through every day and every sleepless (recently) night I experience.

The beautiful thing about this heartbreak is that I have been blessed with sound knowledge and a testimony of my Heavenly Father's love, knowledge, and support of me. I have been placed in several situations where I was given the privilege of choosing my own path and knowing that either way it would be okay. It may take some time; it may take some effort; but I know that the grace I need is there for me - I just have to overcome my struggles to get it, to see the beautiful path He has laid out for me.